It’s a defining paradox of our modern times: despite having more avenues to communicate and connect with one another, many of us feel lonelier than ever. And while we know that social interaction is essential for wellbeing, many of us are not very good at it.
This is the premise of The Social Biome: How Everyday Communication Connects and Shapes Us, by researchers Jeffrey Hall, a professor and chair of communication studies at The University of Kansas, and Professor Andy Merolla, from the University of California, Santa Barbara.
Using the metaphor of a social biome – defined in the book as “complex ecosystems or interconnected communities of relationships and social interactions” – they explore how we can have more nourishing social lives through repeated interactions, in small and big ways.
Credit: Stephen Kiprillis
Most research on social interaction, says Merolla, ignores the minutiae of the everyday – the seemingly mundane interactions, like small talk, that tell us we still matter.
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Like our gut microbiome, an ecosystem of trillions of bacteria, fungi and viruses that we feed through diet and exercise, varied forms of communication are essential for our social biome.
“We started thinking [the gut microbiome] was a lot like the ideas we have about social interaction, where these small moments don’t seem significant, but in combination they can really amount to something important about our social health,” says Merolla.
Barriers to connection
While loneliness is often thought of as an individual issue, social isolation is influenced by a complex set of factors – from the built environment we live and work in to socioeconomic status.
“Increasingly, we are being faced with more barriers to connection, like the cost of living crisis,” says Michelle Lim, a clinical psychologist and scientific chair and CEO of not-for-profit Ending Loneliness Together.
Relationships are inherently interdependent, complex and often out of our control, says Hall.
“The social biome as a metaphor works really well because we’re also interdependent within our structural systems, where there are major barriers like systemic racism or generational trauma that constrain our social worlds in ways that we did nothing to merit or deserve.”
Practicing communication
While it can seem more difficult than ever to stay on top of our social lives, Hall points out this isn’t necessarily a new concept.
“Communication has always been hard,” he says. “But what we have to remind ourselves is that like good nutrition or exercise, these take work and practice, and in doing them more, they become easier to do.”
Indeed, failure and disappointment is a risk we take going into any social interaction. But taking the risk – and eliciting a small amount of “social stress” – can be healthy and necessary.
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In an increasingly frictionless society, where the awkward edges of social interaction are smoothed out by food delivery services and AI companions, it can be easy to retreat into ourselves.
“We want to normalise that communication and connection are difficult… things like negative worry and cognition are part and parcel of what it means to be social,” says Hall.
“What we want is really for people to go, ‘I’m lonely. Let’s connect’. In the same way we say, ‘I’m hungry, let’s go and eat,’” agrees Lim.
Nor should we forget that we tend to be our own worst enemies. Coined the “liking gap” by researchers, humans tend to underestimate how well others perceive them. A 2024 study published in Nature found most people were reluctant to reach out to old friends, even if they wanted to and thought their message would be appreciated.
Bake social connection into your everyday
Seeking out windows of opportunity in your everyday routine can be a low-effort, high-reward way of reducing social isolation.Credit: iStock
It can also be challenging to find the time and energy to socialise. Lim recommends looking for ways to incorporate little moments of connection into our everyday.
“It’s not about changing our behaviours so much because we know this takes a lot, but really thinking about ways of doing things that are already potentially in our routine.”
This might involve stopping to chat with a neighbour on the way home from work, or scheduling a regular phone call with a friend during your daily commute.
“People often think that they have to make a new friend to feel less lonely, but sometimes those weaker connections and those social relationships that are not the closest can also give you something,” says Lim.
A perspective shift can also help, suggests Hall.
“You have to begin to see social opportunities in your world,” he says. “If there’s a possibility of talking to a stranger, you have to see that your friendliness or openness in your neighbourhood makes a difference. But if you don’t see it, or if you can’t perceive it as something that’s valuable to do, it’s really hard to act on it.”
Merolla recommends “leveraging the connections you already have.”
“Especially ones where you’ve let go a little bit, so old friends, reconnecting with them doesn’t take much more sometimes than a text to let them know you were thinking of them, and seeing if they want to get together.”
Every interaction matters more than nothing
In The Social Biome, Hall and Merolla construct a “ladder of communication” based on what research says about the value of different forms of communication.
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At the top of this ladder is face-to-face communication, followed by video chat and phone calls, then texting or direct messaging, followed by group chats. At the very bottom is looking at what friends and family have posted on social media.
“The idea is to honour the idea that anywhere you’re at on the ladder is better than nothing,” says Hall.
Lim agrees that starting small is the right approach.
“For some people, it might just mean saying ‘hi’,” she says. “We can get very easily de-socialised. So I often say to people, ‘if we don’t take those steps, we then just get used to not talking, and then talking to people becomes a chore’.
“But it only becomes a chore because we don’t practice.”
The “ladder of communication”
Face-to-face interaction: Spending time with friends and family is the best way to improve our sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation. However, some communication – in person or online – is better than none.
Talking on the phone or video chats: The COVID-19 pandemic provided a unique opportunity for researchers to study the impact of virtual modes of communication on wellbeing. Research to date suggests that phone calls are the most effective substitute for in-person interaction, while research on video calls is still in its early stages.
Direct messaging or texting: For the time-poor or those who might have a sense of anxiety around phone calls, research shows even a simple text can help improve social connection. The most valuable form of texting, Hall and Merolla write, is “back-to-back” exchanges that approximate conversation, but even just sending a text to let someone know you’re thinking of them can be a simple show of support.
Group chats: This form of interaction is a relatively low-effort form of communication - often offering the opportunity for more “lighthearted” banter – and a valuable way to keep in touch with friends and family.
Social media interactions, like engaging with posts by family and friends (aka “online people watching”): While research shows that “passive” social media use, like scrolling, can negatively affect mental wellbeing, “active” social media use, like engaging with posts, can boost a sense of connection and positively impact mental wellbeing.
From The Social Biome, by Jeffrey Hall and Andy Merolla.
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