These are my 20 definite, undeniable, guaranteed predictions for 2026
Look, I’m often wrong. But not this time.
Opinion
January 2, 2026 — 5.30am
January 2, 2026 — 5.30am
When it comes to predicting events in the year ahead, I confess to not having the best of records. In this spot last year I predicted that, in the year ahead, Putin would fall from power, Trump would cut all ties with Elon Musk, and that Andrew, that previous prince, would admit he’s been in the pay of the Australian Republican movement, since it’s the only way to explain his behaviour.
OK, wrong on all counts; even the Trump-Musk bromance seems to have spluttered back to life. But that’s not going to stop me having another try. Herewith, my cast-iron, guaranteed-correct, 20 best predictions for 2026.
Look, I’m often wrong with my annual predictions. But not this time.Credit: Sydney Morning Herald
1. Trump will drop all the policies that make him unpopular, such as tariffs and National Guard deployments, as he hates not being loved. Instead, he’ll concentrate on the two things he really cares about: building the ballroom at the White House and naming stuff after himself.
2. Colesworth will begin losing so many products to shoplifters they will consider a radical new proposal: hiring actual humans to run the checkouts.
3. The international “war on woke” will result in the return of The Black and White Minstrel Show to Australian TV, alongside Love Thy Neighbour and Summer Heights High – at which point people will discover that an awareness of the feelings of others wasn’t always a bad thing.
4. Surfing, and any other forms of sea bathing, will become impossible as access to the ocean is prevented by an unbroken line of oversized cabanas, from one end of the east coast to the other.
5. Younger Australians, following a month or two of pain, will discover life is better without social media. There will be a boom in fishing, going to the movies and visiting op shops. Many other countries will follow our lead, just as they did with the sale of cigarettes, and, in retrospect, it will seem mad that we ever allowed American billionaires to make money from exploiting our children.
6. So many wealthy people will be using weight-loss drugs that upmarket restaurants will stop serving food, instead offering patrons dishes that please not the tastebuds but the other senses – the smell of rosemary crushed under a lamb’s hoof, for example, or in seafood restaurants the sound of rocks being rolled by the lapping waters of the Mediterranean. In some places the chef will just come out, tickle you under your armpits and charge you $85.
7. Crypto will collapse, once people realise it makes as much sense for a “coin” to be worth zero as it does for it to be worth $100,000.
8. The youth trend called “67” will run out of steam, to be replaced – in a blaze of generational creativity – by a tendency to randomly shout, “89”. Maths teachers will continue to be placed on stress leave.
9. Mistakes made by ChatGPT, and other AI helpmates, will become so ubiquitous and commercially disastrous that risk-averse companies will ban staff from using them, except for the simplest of applications. The phrase “it’s neither artificial nor intelligent” will become commonplace, as if we were all on to this from the start.
10. Having witnessed FIFA’s success in sucking up to Trump by awarding him its own peace prize, other organisations will follow suit, including the Appalachian Fly Fishermen’s Association and the United Pie Makers of Brooklyn. In every case, a grateful Trump will turn up to tearfully accept the award.
11. Sussan Ley will willingly stand down as Liberal leader and return to her old occupation of flying light planes, having discovered it involves less ducking and weaving.
12. Efforts by the government to improve housing affordability will inevitably be structured to raise prices even faster, thus serving the interests of those already in the housing market. Younger voters will eventually realise this is not accidental but intentional.
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13. After three decades of spellcheck we’ll discover we’ve lost the ability to spell anything at all, with handwritten shopping lists now involving requests to purchase “paster”, “mylk” and “butta”.
14. Muffins will continue to grow in size until each weighs 20 kilos, the limit for staff members to lift, under occupational health safety rules.
15. The ability to read a book will become a super skill, marking the difference between those who can still concentrate and those who find a 30-second TikTok a bit of a stretch.
16. The word “artisanal” will continue to be misused, increasingly referring to items such as washing powder, garden hoses and toilet cleaners. Defending themselves to the ACCC, manufacturers will offer the explanation that, to them, the word simply means “overpriced”.
17. Ditto the phrase “made in the traditional way”, which – as defined by the manufacturer – means “in a large, dirty factory in Brunswick”.
18. The trend of rediscovering the virtues of old technology will move from LP records and old-style cameras to using a typewriter and paying with cash.
19. Putin will fall from power. If I predict it often enough, surely one day I’ll be right.
20. We will survive.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a less-bad-than-expected 2026.